Worry, worry, worry

I was reading a blog this morning - going back over some old posts she had written, and came across one that the title was simply "Worry". The blog author had been given a devotional on worry and this was the part she had included.

One day I was reading my Bible and noticed how Martha’s worries were making her weary, and making her wonder if Jesus cared that her sister left her in the kitchen to do all that work, all by herself.

And listen to how He responded: “‘Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.’” (NIV)

So, how do we choose what is better? How do we let go of our worries and take hold of confident peace that assures us God notices and God cares?

First Peter 5:7 tells us: “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” (NLT)

The apostle Paul tells us the same and he tells us how: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7, NLT)

It sounds so doable, but why is it so hard? I think it’s because Satan whispers the opposite. He tells us, “Don’t be calm about anything; instead worry about everything. Tell God what He should do. Then take control if He doesn’t listen. And concerns that consume you will become like acid in your heart, eroding your confidence with worry and doubt!”

Instead of giving into the whispers of worry, spoken by the enemy, let’s listen to God’s promise for peace. When we feel overwhelmed by life this week, let’s commit to …

• Stop worrying — Press the pause button on our consuming concerns.

• Start praying — Talk to God about all we’re doing. Ask if there’s anything we need to cut back so we can seek Him as much as we serve Him, and others.

• Keep thanking God — Thank God for what He’s done in the past and will do in the future. This helps us remember how good He is at being God.

I am twisted in knots of worry over the fact that our house has not sold yet and we are getting possession of the new house on FRIDAY! I was doing so much better about not being a worrier, not taking the control back from God, not telling God what He should do, but of course as soon as we said yes to God, yes to following His leading back into ministry, yes to trusting, that is when I was attacked. And the funny part is that during the decision making process, Satan was attacking our children - keeping them up at night, crying out and disturbing Mommy and Daddy's sleep as well as their own off and on for hours. Them being grouchy and crying in the morning - off and on all morning having meltdown after meltdown, trading off so their parents were ready to send them all back. So we have been bathing them in prayers - prayers of protection as well as ones that they will be filled with joy, love and that they will be free from the arrows Satan was flinging at them. And it has been good. Our focus has been on God and His ability to keep our children safe and to do SO MUCH MORE than we can imagine.
But, I have not been praying for ME, for MY protection, for MY trust and ability to REST in God's promises. That He will NEVER fail me, He is good at being in the driver's seat,
"HE is ABLE, He will NEVER fail, He is Almighty God, Greater than all we seek, Greater than all we ASK, He has done great things" (from Hillsong's new song "God is Able").
I need to stop worrying, and need to start praying for myself and the attacks that I am experiencing as well as resting in God and TRUSTING Him that He can do so much more than I can imagine and start thanking Him for all that He has done.

Gotta get a massage

Yesterday I went to the chiropractor after almost a month of not being there, and I was in quite a bit of pain, mostly my neck. So she adjusted my neck and I felt the release all the way down to my toes. Now however, the muscles that were used to holding my neck in that weird place and are back to where they should be are crying in protest.
It kind of parallels how there are often times in my life when I know there is something wrong in my spiritual life. I am totally "in pain" (usually feeling really dry and out of place) and know that there is something that I need to change, but I am afraid of the resultant pain I will feel from the change, because I am used to how things are in that place of no movement. I am not a poet or a philosophical person, but that is what came to me.
I know there is more depth there and I want to explore it, but it is late right now, I am tired and hurting in my shoulder and neck and really want to go to sleep. Just wanted to get it down while it was still on my mind. Hope you all have a great sleep and talk to you tomorrow.

Faith Talk

My parents gave us this book on R's birthday - not because it was R's birthday, I think it was just because that happened to be the day they gave it to us. Anyway, I have started reading it while I am nursing and am enjoying it.
It talks all about how faith of the parents of a child are the most important of all. That even though a child may grow up going to church or be really involved even in junior high/high school etc. they probably will not keep a strong faith unless the parents model and instill in their kids how important faith and God are.
The author, Mark Holmen, talks about faith-talk and including it into your everyday, he uses an acronym T.R.A.I.N. and breaks it down, but the only one that really stuck out to me was the N. It was for "Never-ending", that the faith you have will be remembered by your kids, grandkids and down the line.
It really struck me when I was reading it and I began to cry. I had a memory of a wedding we attended about 8 years ago of the daughter of the pastor who started the church DH was the youth pastor at at the time. His father was also a pastor and was performing the ceremony. He was doing the message and was talking about the faith in God that had been important in their family and generation after generation had known what being in a relationship with God was like. DH had looked at me and said that he was the first one his family to know that and we would be starting new with our family.
What an awesome and terrifying responsibility! I have three little people who I not only influence how they view and react to the world and people in it, but I (and DH as well) am the primary influence for the faith that my kids will have. I get to teach that about God and how He wants to be a part of their everyday life.
The other thing that truly hit me and HARD was that in order to do this I need to be proactive with my faith. I know I am on a journey, but it has been a very slow one in the past few years since kids. Not that I am blaming R or that I am too busy with kids, just that I find regular devotions a difficult thing (it's discipline, you know, which I am not good at!) and I let being busy as a new mom be an excuse. And then I got out of the habit, both of a regular time with God as well as doing faith-talk with R.
So I am starting again, and trying to be more intentional. I have been a lot more emotional about it and little things he does now that are the beginnings of his own faith walk make me cry. Like singing "Jesus Loves Me" yesterday at his grandparents for my parents and my aunt. I was so proud of him! And joining me in singing "Joy!" by Avalon in the car. He's learning, and it is from his mom.
(I am not saying anywhere here that he does not learn from his daddy as well - he really does!)

Imago Dei

It means "in God's image". Mark wrote a post on how everyone is beautiful. Go read it, it's good.
I know at different times I am also reminded of the fact that all people are made in God's image, which not only makes them beautiful, but I am also reminded that the depraved things that we do are as a result of the fall and Satan lying to us. It is so sad how sick and twisted some people have allowed themselves to become. And God loves the lowest of the low and wants to have a relationship with them just the same as me.
Sobering thought.
And encouraging at the same time, because the things that I do that are wrong are just as bad in God's eyes.
But He still made me in His image, and I am beautiful, and He loves me intensely and wants a relationship with me.

Thoughts from a La-Z-(Girl)

Today we had the second half of an interview that Bill Hybels had done with Bono of U2 for last year's Leadership Summit. Don't think I mentioned it last week, but we had the first one then and the second today. It was a very good interview - learnt things about Bono that I never knew before. I knew that he was a Christ-follower - not necessarily involved with a church, understandably as he is from Ireland and man their politics are so mixed up with their church that I think it would be a little confusing for anyone to follow God in the church. These are just my thoughts and suppositions about what I thought he thought, not what I had heard or read about him. Anyways... the things that I got out of the interview and the notes for thought that they flashed up on the screen after the video each week was these things... (and just so mo one is thinking that I am trying to preach or tell them what to do, it is what I learnt. Just clarifying.)
...we have been talking about being water in our world at church this year, and was reminded once again that I have water (or credit, as Bono put it) that I can use to help out other people.
... I do not need to ask God to bless what I am doing, but look for where God is working and get involved there, because He has already blessed it.
... I was really convicted that though I am quick to give or have the desire to give money, I am very hesitant to give of my time and get involved with those people who are less fortunate than me. This was the biggest thing for me today. I was in tears for the second half of the video, as Bono and then the reflections on the screen talked of how Jesus prayed in the Lord's Prayer, "May your Kingdom come soon.
May your will be done on earth,
as it is in heaven." Matthew 6:10 (New Living Translation)
What would it be like to have heaven on earth? Really... Think about that for just a second. Not for there to be no pain, no suffering or tears as the Bible tells us heaven will be, but to take and be concentrated on doing God's will here on earth. Most people think of Heaven as something that will happen when we die - we will finally have arrived. But what if we can reach out and give people who need it a taste of heaven now. And live ourselves as if God was working in and through us. I must confess that I do not reach out with the compassion that Jesus had to those less fortunate than I. I struggle with the thought of actually "getting my hands dirty" in helping the down and out. I sit up here in my home - that is a beautiful little house, with a gorgeous yard, in a community that is well-off. And I am comfortable here. I do not want to go out of my way and give of my time to help other people, least of all the poor and unfortunate. But who did Jesus hang around with?
It was interesting, Bono commented on the fact that helping the poor is mentioned 2003 times in the Bible, the only other topic that is mentioned more is salvation/redemption by God. And judgement is only mentioned once - and it is in reference to when Jesus talks about the end of the earth and how people will be separated according to what they did for those less fortunate, those who are hungry, thirsty, in need of clothing, and in jail. That when we are doing these things for people, we are doing them for God. So, what am I doing?
I have to be totally honest with myself and say... nothing. Nothing. And this is not sitting well with me. I am uncomfortable about that thought.
Discomfort in this case is a good thing.

What was I thinking?

I just read through my last post. Wow, life sounds like it was very hard for me on that day and for the past few weeks. Today I read it and think "What was I thinking?" I mean, has life been that hard for me these past few weeks? After having had a weekend together with my family and still having today "off" (DH home and us doing stuff together) life doesn't seem all that bad. And besides, who do I think I am that I have it bad or need to be private about my journey. I did start this to share it with others, so why am I thinking about making it private?
But, I think back and I remember that yes, I have been struggling inwardly for the past several weeks about life. Last week Jeff talked at church about refueling our spiritual lives, how if we do not do that, we tend to get short with people who are close to us, and irritable and cranky and life doesn't have peace or go smoothly. I have been experiencing this. I feel prickly, short with R and almost want to crawl out of my own skin because I feel so anxious. There has been no peace in my life, no settled feeling. Jeff also talked about what we can do to fill up our spiritual tanks (so to say), that is to reconnect with God and our spiritual side. This is different for every person. He also talked about what we do that hinders our journey and it too is different for every person.
For me, as I mentioned in the last post, I was letting distractions get in my way. Reading and watching TV tend to be my distraction of choice - do not get me wrong, I have no problem with these things - I LOVE to read and sitting down to watch TV on occasion is good. I was at the point though of whenever I had that anxious feeling, I would pick up a book or turn on the TV and lose myself in the story. It was not helpful and was keeping me from doing the reflecting that I know I have been avoiding since the Girlfriends retreat. Listen to me here - I sound like I am already past this, when I have just been thinking about it yesterday and today! Silliness.
Something that helps me to get energized spiritually is music. I am a music lover and adore many genres of music (sorry to the country fans out there, I am still not much of a country fan, though we do have a Tim McGraw CD which I love - it has "Live Like You Were Dying" on it, go figure! :) We got out some CDs from United Live (the youth worship from Hillsong Church in Australia) that I have been wanting to hear for a couple of months now, but have been forgetting. So good! I love their lyrics and they just speak to me and infuse me with a renewed passion for God.
Here are a few that have been replaying in my head:

From "To the Ends of the Earth"

Jesus, I believe in You
And I would go, to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For you alone are the son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God

One Way

I lay my life down at your feet
You're the only one I need
I turn to you and you are always there

In troubled times it's you I seek
I put you first that's all I'll need
I humble all I am, All to you

One way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for

You are always, always there
Every how and everywhere
Your grace abounds so deeply within me

You will never ever change
Yesterday, today the same
Forever 'til forever meets no end

One way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for

You are the way, the truth, and the life
We live by faith and not by sight, for you
We're living all for you

You are God

As to the lyrics, I may not be there yet, but I am working on it. And I am happy that I am on this journey... and that you are along for the ride with me... and I refuse to go backwards and become once again the woman who believes that all should be perfect in her life, at least the one that others see. It's not healthy and I will NOT do it.
So, once again, here I am, warts, struggles and all. Though, just for my own sanity, I am going to turn off the comments on future posts. If there is ever anything you want to say to me, you can email or find me on Facebook! :)
So this is a good-bye for now and a welcome to my space once again!

Your Love

Today is Easter - a day that people around the world celebrate the fact that Jesus did not stay dead after dying on the cross, but rose again to conquer death so that we all can live too. We celebrate this every year and should celebrate it every day if we are seeking to have a relationship with God. This morning Kelly talked not only about that, but about what it means in our lives. That it is not only our beliefs that make us Christ followers, but how we live that day to day. What we do in the world around us that makes all the difference in our lives and the lives of the people who we come in contact with.
We also sang a song that the music guy at church, Cam Rankin, wrote called "Your Friend" that the chorus has been stuck in my head all day. It goes like this:

"Your love for me

Breaks down all the walls,

Your love for me

Picks me up when I fall.,

Your love for me

Frogives again and again

Your love for me

Makes me Your friend."

I need to remember more that Jesus broke down the walls in my life, He wants to keep that friendship with me strong and growing, for always.

Just rub the lamp

I have been thinking about this for about a week now and it became very fresh this morning as Kelly talked about it in church. Last Friday, before I was to have my open house the next day, I went to bed early, and prayed that we would all sleep well, as we had all been a little under the weather all week. I was woken at 12:23 to R crying. Normally I will go in there if he cries more than a few minutes and hold him in the rocking chair until he falls asleep - usually only 15 minutes - and then put him back to bed. This night he was awake for three hours in total. Every time I tried to put him back down he would awaken and start screaming like someone was hurting him and sobbing so badly that he would choke. I finally changed him, diaper and jammies and put music on and resolved myself to spending the night in the glider rocker if I had to. He then fell asleep, finally.
During this time, I thought about my prayer for all of us to have a good sleep and started questioning God a little, "You know that I need sleep and that I have an important day tomorrow!" I then thought, "What am I mad at God for? Why is this His fault? I am treating Him like He is a genie in a lamp, that I just have to rub the lamp and out He'll pop and I get whatever I want! And that is not right." (Yes, I do have deep thoughts at 2 in the morning. :) So this has been percolating in my mind for the last week and then this morning Kelly talked about what he called "Consumeristic Christianity". He talked about how we often make our spiritual life about us and what we can get - "God, give me money... God, make me successful... God, help my son to sleep through the night." - instead of it being about the kingdom of God here on earth, and my role and help in that being true. Consumeristic Christianity doesn't make us happy or take away the ache of life. So maybe we have missed the point in our spiritual journey being all about us... it should be all about God's kingdom.
I have fallen into this trap. Big time! Whoa, so big time! I do not know if it has gotten worse over the years. I believe it has, especially since we moved here, where it is all about what you have in comparison to the people around you and in your life. We live in the smallest house you could build in our area. We have old cars and furniture that has been passed down to us. I, especially in the last few months, have been very envious of people around me who have bigger houses and are getting even bigger houses because "they have outgrown their house." I have been jealous of people getting new vehicles and thinking to myself, "I wish we could get a new one too." Not that I am begrudging anyone what they have, I really am not. I am truly happy for everyone getting their new things, I just wish that we could have something new too, even new-to-us. I would love a couch that doesn't sag in the middle or a chair that has springs that work! I would love a vehicle that has air-conditioning and I will not bump my head on every time I get R out of his seat. I would love a house with a garage and a fireplace that I can curl up in front of a read a book on a crazy, snowy April Fool's Day. But I am mistaken in that I deserve all that, and that God should give it to me. I have been missing all my blessings, as well as the fact that I have so much to give - to the people around me who I know and love, to the people in my world that are disenfranchised, to the people who need help that I can give to them.
So, here are the blessings that I have:
1. I have a house with a mortgage payment that does not break us every month. One that is cozy, I can easily keep up with the schedule it takes to keep it clean, and it provides everything we need to live in. We have 2 bedrooms, a office/loft with many books, an open concept main floor that is roomy, large windows so it seems bright and spacious. We have a partially finished basement, with a futon where we can have overnight guests and they can have their own space.
2. I have not just one, but 2 vehicles that, though they may be older, both run well and have heat in the winter that works great! In the wintertime I can drive the Sidekick with its 4wheel drive and the summer I can drive the Corolla with its air-conditioning. I never have to be without a car nor do I have to get a sleepy boy out of bed to drive DH somewhere to be dropped off so that I can have a vehicle for the day.
3. I am not without anything that I need in my house. And we have been very blessed over the years to have people give us furniture. It's been such a blessing to not have to put out money to furnish the house, especially when we were in ministry and there was no extra money for that.
4. We are all very healthy at our house. Now, without trying to "jinx" the fact, I would like to say that R has never had the stomach flu and only occasionally is he sick enough that I need to give him Tylenol or other medication.
5. I am able to stay at home with R. This is huge! DH and I decided even before we got married that once we had children, I would stay at home. We wanted to be able to provide that stability and have our children be taught our values and be raised by mom. This is something both of us had growing up and we both wanted for our kids too. For us this is the best decision, though I know many people who make it work and it is better for their family to have mom work too. As I got to the end of my maternity leave with R I did debate about going back to work when DH could take care of him, but it honestly pained me to think about the fact that I might miss out on something R did while I wasn't there.
The fact that I am not working outside our home does mean that all those things that I keep wishing I had are not as easy to get, but look what I am getting in return. Days at home with my son, I see each development he makes as it happens. I see his little personality unfold and see his rough as well as good times. I get little hugs and kisses throughout the day. I get to go to Mom's group with him and see him interact with his little friends and grow in his social skills. It is a good life!
6. I have friends, both old and new, who do not mind when I am totally real with them. Ones I can laugh with and cry with, who I can talk about things that I love and hate and might be a taboo topic with other people. Friends who love me as I am.
7. I have a family who loves me and accepts me as I am. People who I would be friends with even if we weren't related - that's huge!
8. I have son who is amazing, creative, artistic and all around fun to be with. We lay in bed at night sometimes and laugh with joy at the one who is our son. we are so blessed to have him and as I type this, he is talking away at me, trying to communicate things that I do not yet know what. He is incredible!
9. I have a husband who loves me, who loves our son and spends time with him every day. He is someone I can laugh with, cry with, swear at sometimes (sorry M, I do love you!), be silly and stupid with. We have spent the best and the worst of times together, seen each other at our personal best and worst, and still have made it through together. We have travelled together, had adventures together, done ministry together, had a child together. We have been married almost 10 years now and I love him more than the day we got married. That's a blessing!
10. I know the God of the universe. He wants to have a relationship with me, and with you, and cares what is going on in my life and the lives of the people in the world around me. He wants to touch the world through me. That is amazing!
So, if I am ever complaining about my life, refer me back to this post.

What are your blessings?

Let's just call it what it is...

...SIN.
At church they have been doing a series called "Have We Missed the Point?" They are talking about various things that the Church (as in evangelicals across Western civilization in the past and present) has believed and has taught is the correct way of believing, but is not necessarily what the Bible says. It is basically to get people thinking about what exactly they do believe and delve into Scripture to see what it says. Anyhow, yesterday Kelly talked about sin. Which is not new to me, is not to you or anyone on this world for that matter. And the things that he said were not new to me or thoughts that I don't haven't struggled with.
He talked about how all sin, ALL, is the same in God's eyes. How we often, and I am definitely guilty of this, rate how bad sin is. That that pastor in Colorado who struggles with homosexuality and went to his church to ask forgiveness of them, as he did God - his sin is so much worse than my slothfulness (laziness). (Do you hear the sarcasm here?) Anyway, it was so good to hear and be reminded of yet again. It is something I tend to let myself forget.
Kelly also emphasized that God's grace, His forgiveness covers over every one's sin, that there is no sin in this world that He will not forgive, all we need to do is accept it. Good reminder, good reminder.
And then last night, I was praying and it hit me. It is so amazing what a 16 month old can teach you about life, yourself and your relationship with the One who created you. I was praying about the things I do wrong, asking God to forgive me from those things and a picture came slamming into my head so clearly of R putting his hand out to touch that thing that I so clearly have been telling him "no touch" since he started to touch it. A little grin playing at the side of his mouth... him not realizing (sometimes in my mind, not caring!) how much this infuriates me. And I say, "no touch" again. And I squeeze his little hand and say "no touch" the second time. And I lightly slap his little hand and say "no touch" the third time. And I slap a little harder, saying "Mommy said no touch" and move him away to show him something else the fourth time. And all this while I am trying to keep my cool and my voice even and my patience, even though I am quite hot under my collar.
So this picture came into my head while I was praying, and I wondered to myself whether God feels like this with me. How many times have I ignored the little voice in my head that is saying "no" that it is not healthy for me to laze around, watching TV. It will not help me to accomplish those things I need to get done. It will not build into my child. It will not strengthen the trust that DH has in me that our household will run smoothly. (This is only one example, and I am not saying that watching TV is a sin, just the excessive watching I was doing in the past that interfered with other things and I knew that I had a problem but wouldn't do anything about it.)
I hope that the next time I hear the voice I listen, or else what kind of mom would I be, to expect my son to listen and not listen myself.
Wow, some days I wonder who is learning from who here. Or maybe we teach each other.

Lent

It has been awhile since I last posted. There is a very good reason for this... between trying to be a good mom, doing my first Tupperware party and getting it submitted and keeping my house up to snuff and getting all of our finances up-to-date and the accounts balanced, there has not been time for much else. Now that there is a steady income, we will be able to budget ourselves once again, though at this point there is not a whole lot to budget with! :) Anyhow...
I am finding that with all of the busyness in my life I am not really having time to focus on Lent like I wanted to this year. Most years, if I remember, I will give up something for Lent, and this year I did give up caffeine. (Which is hard, because it encompasses coffee, Coke AND chocolate, my three favorite things!) This year though I have been more cognizant of why I gave these things up. It helps to be in a church where it is common practice and we talk about it. I have been more thankful in the past few weeks, though and I think that my awareness of what God has done in our lives in the past year is huge right now. So that is good. I would like to do better with my consciousness of the reason why I am not having that Coke, or that chocolate though.
Here's to a more aware weekend!

Hey, Gabriel...

Jobina did a post today that ended with her asking what anyone else's misconceptions about God were. I wrote a comment on it and because the topic has been so much on my mind and heart, and what I have been blogging about, I wanted to include it here.
I often have the misconception that God is keeping record, a tally sheet of sorts, of what I do and do not do. I know this is why the past 6 months or so my faith is being turned upside down, because it is finally sinking in that this isn't so. God wants a relationship with me more than anything else. It would be like me keeping track of what R does all the time and telling him that if he doesn't measure up, I will not want a relationship with him. Yet instead, DH and I marvel each day about him and the joy that he is and the way he brings laughter and a tremendous love into our lives. Can you imagine, God up in heaven saying, "Hey Gabriel, look what RLE did today. That lady is amazing, I am so glad that I made her!" Makes me want to cry just thinking about it!

Fear vs Peace

The last several months at church they have been talking about our relationship with God (see my post here if you want to "catch up"). This Sunday, Kelly talked about the "end times" and how we have a very fear based faith when that is all we focus on, when the fear of being "left behind" is all we are thinking about. (If you want to hear his message, you can go here, then click on "Sunday Messages", then "Missed It", then "End Times").
I know for myself, that has always been a huge thing in my life, the fear and how it controls my actions and my time that I spend with God or lack thereof because I know cognitively that I shouldn't be motivated by guilt and then I slack off in my reading and praying and do not spend any time with God and we all know what happens when you do not spend time or energy on a relationship. That's right...nothing!
Last night I was realizing how much I do not want to pass this on to R. I want him to grow up, free of fear, knowing the God of the Universe who created him and wants a relationship of peace and harmony with him. As he does for all of us, no matter what. I cannot imagine wanting my son to fear me and what I could possibly do to him, and I do not believe that God is this way with us either. He is a God of Love. I want R to continue to bring joy wherever he goes and someday when he is old enough I want him to be able to tell people Who gives that joy. But it all starts with his primary caregiver and the role models he has in his life.
It's funny what you get when you sign up for this parenting thing. I know people always told me that they learnt a lot from their kids and that you want to grow and become a better person because of them, but I never imagined that it would be daily and an awareness that is always on my mind - sometimes at the forefront and sometimes on the periphery, but always there. And for that I want to say thank you God, and thank you R!

Is it instinct?

Tonight R grabbed a file of his Daddy's that was on the couch. I saw him and not wanting to get anything crushed or creased, I said, "Oh no, no R, no!" He dropped it quick and went and hid behind the curtain in the kitchen.
And it got me thinking... How did he know to go hide? Is it instinct to hide when we know we have done something wrong? Is that why Adam and Eve hid in the garden? And then I started wondering how often I hide. Of course not physically or literally, but figuratively. In TV or busyness. I think it is a whole lot more than I would like to admit. I am ashamed to admit that. Not that I have done something wrong, but that I do not do something that I know I should. Instead, I let other things distract me.
This has been heavy on my mind lately and I have been trying to change this about myself, but with R's hiding I was reminded once again. I need to move the curtain in my life once again.

Spiritual ramblings...

I don't exactly know what I want to say, but I know I want to say something and share with you all where I am at and what I have been experiencing.
In the last year my spiritual walk has been interesting to say the least. I have always had a very strong faith in God and the fact that He knows what is going on and is in control of that - though sometimes I act like I think that control is mine! :) My spiritual life in the past few years has been lacking in regards to the amount of time I spend with Him.
I have found that through the past 9 months of DH looking for a different job and career at that, that I been on a roller coaster of a journey with God. I go from one day of totally trusting Him and knowing that though we may be going through the pain of wondering what is going on, the end result will be worth it, to another day of not really wanting to have anything to do with any sort of faith because it doesn't get you anywhere any way.
I feel as though my faith has been stretched to its max at times, because not only am I hanging on by a thread, I feel like DH is "piggybacking" my trust in God and is hanging onto my feet while I hang onto that thread.
But then there is all the good things... R, friends that I have made in the year, old friends, family. And I am so thankful for these. And I get encouragement from these people. And their experiences. And I thank God. And I want more of Him. And more of what He has to offer.
In church we have been in a series that they called An Emergent Christian. It has been good. The pastors have been talking through what faith is, how the Bible relates to that, what a Christian looks like. The thing that I like about Friends Church, where we have been attending since July, is that they are real. The bottom line that I have gotten out of the past couple of weeks at church is that a relationship with God is not about not doing things (sin management model - if you don't drink, smoke, swear, etc. you are a Christian) or the least I have to do in order to not go to hell. Actually on Sunday Kelly was talking about a relationship with God, what that should look like. (You can listen to it here if you want; under Sunday messages, Emerging Christian, Christianity) What I walked away with is the fact that the Hebrew people (Jewish people) used the word Shalom in regards to their relationship with God. The word, Shalom, means "peace", but more specifically "to be in harmony with." Kind of like the harmony that a violin has when all it's strings are in tune, there is peace in the music that it makes. So, we are to be in harmony with God, to be listening to Him and know Him, and bring His peace and harmony to the world around us. Our walk with God, journey as I see it, is to be about how we live right now on this earth, doing all we can to share His kingdom on earth.
I feel like repeating it, just so that I get it more... (repetition does make it mine :) My relationship with God is to be one that I am in harmony with God, and I must know Him intimately to do that. It is also to bring harmony to the world around me and I must be walking with God in order to know how God would have me do that.
There is freedom in this for me. I have grown up, by no fault of anyone, believing that I needed to feel guilt about what I did or didn't do, because that is how someone spiritual would be. It is about a relationship. That is the bottom line. So I spend time with God, and listen to Him, and trust yet again.

Christ Mass

I have realized lately that I am a bit stuck in things needing to be the way they have always been. Christmas this year is going to be a little different. Money is a little tight in our house with DH being between jobs and the one he is to start soon not being 100% for sure yet. I am starting at Old Navy next week, but that will only help a little. So my family decided not to exchange gifts. DH and I are not getting gifts for each other either. It is taking a bit of a shift in thinking for me to be OK with this, though.
I have need of nothing. In fact, my sister took me on a shopping trip on Saturday and it was like Christmas - I even hardly slept on Friday night and was awake at 6:30 a.m. anticipating the day! So why is it so ingrained in me that Christmas is when gifts need to be exchanged? Why do I think that then it would just be another day?
Which brings me to what is Christmas all about and why do we celebrate it? What is it that we are celebrating? Jesus' birth is the reason for this whole season. I know I am guilty of forgetting that on a regular basis. So, we are trying this year to do some different things to remind me/us of this. Gifts of another kind you could say. And for me it is more about the giving than the receiving. I like to see people's faces when they open gifts that I give them - especially when I have put a lot of thought into it and gotten something that I know they will love. This year it is more intangible things...
We went yesterday to Samaritan's Purse and volunteered for a few hours sorting shoeboxes - making sure that there is nothing in them that will hold things up at customs. It was cool to think that the next person who opened up the boxes would be the child that it was packed for. The next eyes that saw that teddy bear, or pulled out the hair elastics would be the little boy or girl who that one simple shoebox would make their year and sometimes even change their lives. I was humbled and reminded that though I have less money in the bank this year and less gifts under the tree, I have more, far more, in my possession at this time then some of these kids would have in their entire lifetime. All I can say is, wow...
This year my family and small group are adopting two families through a high school for pregnant teens and teen parents. It is something that my family has talked about for years, but we have always ended up doing the same thing - exchanging names. This year we are doing it though. DH and I are not able to contribute as much as I would like, but we are still contributing. I am imagining what these parents (kids themselves, really) will be thinking when they get our hampers and the presents we will get for them. Another wow...
It will certainly be an interesting and unique Christmas this year.

The Osbournes

This morning in church the message was based around the Osbournes and dysfuncational families and how God can use anyone he wants and has plans for us all. They showed clips of the reality show "The Osbournes" and because I hadn't seen it ever, I was a little horrified at the childish behaviour of the kids. I mean they were in their teen years and hitting each other, pushing each other, wrestling on the floor, kicking and screaming, and all I could think was, "They are acting like children, 3 year olds act better." And I thought "how could parents let their kids act that way?" Which is the point, right, why they were America's favortie dysfunctional family. "We aren't as bad as the Osbournes." Sad really how we put dysfunctionality on a pedestal.
Mark (the speaker) did say one thing though that DH always says, that we no longer want everything wrapped up and neat and tidy after 1/2 hour, that is why reality TV is so big. No one's lives are solved so quickly.
We are dirty, messy people who are not perfect. I am enjoying being real and being encouraged to be authentic with those around me. It feels good.