What was I thinking?

I just read through my last post. Wow, life sounds like it was very hard for me on that day and for the past few weeks. Today I read it and think "What was I thinking?" I mean, has life been that hard for me these past few weeks? After having had a weekend together with my family and still having today "off" (DH home and us doing stuff together) life doesn't seem all that bad. And besides, who do I think I am that I have it bad or need to be private about my journey. I did start this to share it with others, so why am I thinking about making it private?
But, I think back and I remember that yes, I have been struggling inwardly for the past several weeks about life. Last week Jeff talked at church about refueling our spiritual lives, how if we do not do that, we tend to get short with people who are close to us, and irritable and cranky and life doesn't have peace or go smoothly. I have been experiencing this. I feel prickly, short with R and almost want to crawl out of my own skin because I feel so anxious. There has been no peace in my life, no settled feeling. Jeff also talked about what we can do to fill up our spiritual tanks (so to say), that is to reconnect with God and our spiritual side. This is different for every person. He also talked about what we do that hinders our journey and it too is different for every person.
For me, as I mentioned in the last post, I was letting distractions get in my way. Reading and watching TV tend to be my distraction of choice - do not get me wrong, I have no problem with these things - I LOVE to read and sitting down to watch TV on occasion is good. I was at the point though of whenever I had that anxious feeling, I would pick up a book or turn on the TV and lose myself in the story. It was not helpful and was keeping me from doing the reflecting that I know I have been avoiding since the Girlfriends retreat. Listen to me here - I sound like I am already past this, when I have just been thinking about it yesterday and today! Silliness.
Something that helps me to get energized spiritually is music. I am a music lover and adore many genres of music (sorry to the country fans out there, I am still not much of a country fan, though we do have a Tim McGraw CD which I love - it has "Live Like You Were Dying" on it, go figure! :) We got out some CDs from United Live (the youth worship from Hillsong Church in Australia) that I have been wanting to hear for a couple of months now, but have been forgetting. So good! I love their lyrics and they just speak to me and infuse me with a renewed passion for God.
Here are a few that have been replaying in my head:

From "To the Ends of the Earth"

Jesus, I believe in You
And I would go, to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For you alone are the son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God

One Way

I lay my life down at your feet
You're the only one I need
I turn to you and you are always there

In troubled times it's you I seek
I put you first that's all I'll need
I humble all I am, All to you

One way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for

You are always, always there
Every how and everywhere
Your grace abounds so deeply within me

You will never ever change
Yesterday, today the same
Forever 'til forever meets no end

One way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for

You are the way, the truth, and the life
We live by faith and not by sight, for you
We're living all for you

You are God

As to the lyrics, I may not be there yet, but I am working on it. And I am happy that I am on this journey... and that you are along for the ride with me... and I refuse to go backwards and become once again the woman who believes that all should be perfect in her life, at least the one that others see. It's not healthy and I will NOT do it.
So, once again, here I am, warts, struggles and all. Though, just for my own sanity, I am going to turn off the comments on future posts. If there is ever anything you want to say to me, you can email or find me on Facebook! :)
So this is a good-bye for now and a welcome to my space once again!