Just click on the link - you won't regret it!
Mommy Dearest
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
A Forward I had to Share
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.
Monday, January 5, 2009
WHAT!?! Canada, truly
My dad forwarded this email to me and as per usual instead of forwarding to people, I put it on my blog if I find it funny or worthwhile letting others know. Enjoy!
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What, did your last slave die?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
I have to say this because it is on my mind. In grade 6 we had a whole unit on American history and geography. Do Americans not have to learn anything about their neighbours to the north? Where do they think Canada is and how is it so different from the States in their minds?
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What, did your last slave die?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
I have to say this because it is on my mind. In grade 6 we had a whole unit on American history and geography. Do Americans not have to learn anything about their neighbours to the north? Where do they think Canada is and how is it so different from the States in their minds?
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Silly Songs
We have been listening to Veggie Tales - Silly Songs with Larry lately and I couldn't help wondering the other day during the Endangered Love song that if Larry was in love with Barbara Manatee the only way it would really work is if he were a SEA cucumber.
In case you wanted to listen to it yourself...
In case you wanted to listen to it yourself...
Friday, April 4, 2008
Giant Uterine Parasite... or Two
Today my in-laws are coming and, of course, I am making sure that my house is in perfect order. (Don't we all when our mother-in-law comes? No matter that she doesn't care, but we still feel as though she will think we are not taking good enough care of her son and grandchildren otherwise?) Anyways, this time is much simpler as it was just a week ago that we took the house off the market - oh right, I forgot to post that entry. We decided to take the house off the market. I felt nothing but relief. Will write more about that later. We are now going to renovate a bit... fun times!
So I was cleaning and took a small break to do some phone calls and the twins started moving like crazy. It is so weird to see your stomach moving like that and all I can think is "Boy, am I glad that I have never seen Alien or I would think these kids are going to explode out of my stomach any time and they are going to be gross looking alien creatures!"
Made me think of this article that DH sent to me yesterday...
So I was cleaning and took a small break to do some phone calls and the twins started moving like crazy. It is so weird to see your stomach moving like that and all I can think is "Boy, am I glad that I have never seen Alien or I would think these kids are going to explode out of my stomach any time and they are going to be gross looking alien creatures!"
Made me think of this article that DH sent to me yesterday...
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Cold Day in Hell
On a totally different topic, a guy who grew up in Caronport where I lived for 6 years of my elementary and high school life is now a writer and DH just finished a book he wrote called Motorcycle Therapy (I read it last year and it was pretty good.) He also became best friends with a good friend of DH's from college - Jeremy was Cordell's best man at his wedding. Anyways, DH mentioned that he had a website where he is chronicling his latest adventure riding motorcycle around the Middle East (his mother - a friend of my parents - fully expects to never see him again!) and I checked it out tonight. He's really quite funny at times and this particular post made me laugh!
Friday, December 7, 2007
This is SO true!
Saw this on Dooce and couldn't resist!
Sorry, Honey! I know you have a cold right now and are pushing through it so well, but this is how it is normally!
Sorry, Honey! I know you have a cold right now and are pushing through it so well, but this is how it is normally!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Virgin Experiences
The mom of one of our youth once turned to me at a child dedication in our church and said that she had never been to a dedication before, so this was a V.E. for her. I asked her what that meant and she told me "Virgin Experience". Since then, every new experience that happens to me, whether it is good or bad, I think of the term "virgin experience".
I am presently washing every single piece of clothing that went to Manitoba with us this past week. Whether it had been worn, worn and washed while we were there, or was fresh from the washer before I packed on Mother's Day to go there, everything is getting washed. Not because Manitoba is particularly dirty or that the airline did something to our luggage. Not because I am a waster of detergent and water, though I do feel a little bad about that. It is all because I had a BIG V.E. on Monday.
I was sitting at my friend M's kitchen table, visiting with her and her cousin L, when I felt a little something in my hair at the hairline. I reached up my hand and felt a lump in there and lost it, so tried again and pulled out whatever it was in my hand. Once I realised that there was a TICK!!!! in my hand I let out a squeal and dropped it on the table. Now, you have to understand - I hadn't been outside that day... at all! I had gone into the porch a couple of times to get our shoes and coats to pack up, but that is all. I was just sitting there visiting for maybe going on an hour, when this "thing" decided to attach itself to me in a most rude way! I have barely had a tick crawling on my clothes, let alone in me. And he, she, whatever, had gotten a little piece of my skin, but I never got any bumps or itchiness from it, so none of my blood was sucked. I did immediately have a shower - actually the shower was after I freaked out for a little bit and almost started crying. I felt so violated! M was having a hard time not laughing at me, actually she did laugh at me, so she called DH over to comfort me. It was traumatic! In all the years I lived in Brandon and all the times I have visited, I have never, ever gotten a tick! Yeah, I don't think I needed to say that, seen as I did say this was a virgin experience and even titled the post such. But I am still feeling a little traumatized.
And this is why I am washing everything. Every time I think about that tick I feel itchy and creepy crawly and I will always wonder if there was any more ticks in our clothes that went to Brandon with us, so just to put my mind at ease, I am washing everything.
I hope I never get another tick. :(
I am presently washing every single piece of clothing that went to Manitoba with us this past week. Whether it had been worn, worn and washed while we were there, or was fresh from the washer before I packed on Mother's Day to go there, everything is getting washed. Not because Manitoba is particularly dirty or that the airline did something to our luggage. Not because I am a waster of detergent and water, though I do feel a little bad about that. It is all because I had a BIG V.E. on Monday.
I was sitting at my friend M's kitchen table, visiting with her and her cousin L, when I felt a little something in my hair at the hairline. I reached up my hand and felt a lump in there and lost it, so tried again and pulled out whatever it was in my hand. Once I realised that there was a TICK!!!! in my hand I let out a squeal and dropped it on the table. Now, you have to understand - I hadn't been outside that day... at all! I had gone into the porch a couple of times to get our shoes and coats to pack up, but that is all. I was just sitting there visiting for maybe going on an hour, when this "thing" decided to attach itself to me in a most rude way! I have barely had a tick crawling on my clothes, let alone in me. And he, she, whatever, had gotten a little piece of my skin, but I never got any bumps or itchiness from it, so none of my blood was sucked. I did immediately have a shower - actually the shower was after I freaked out for a little bit and almost started crying. I felt so violated! M was having a hard time not laughing at me, actually she did laugh at me, so she called DH over to comfort me. It was traumatic! In all the years I lived in Brandon and all the times I have visited, I have never, ever gotten a tick! Yeah, I don't think I needed to say that, seen as I did say this was a virgin experience and even titled the post such. But I am still feeling a little traumatized.
And this is why I am washing everything. Every time I think about that tick I feel itchy and creepy crawly and I will always wonder if there was any more ticks in our clothes that went to Brandon with us, so just to put my mind at ease, I am washing everything.
I hope I never get another tick. :(
Saturday, April 28, 2007
It's called a BunnyHug and always will be!!!
I was just on Facebook and found a group that I almost decided to joing, but I am feeling a little cautious still about the site. Anyway, the description of the group was too good to pass up sharing. FOr anoy Facebookers out there, you can link here.
The group is called "It's called a BunnyHug and always will be!!!" (Totally Random - Just for Fun)
"This group is for everyone from or still in Saskatchewan who has to deal with the criticism everytime they use the word bunnyhug. It's not a hoodie, a kangaroo pouch or a hooded sweatshirt and we will never stoop to your level just to avoid seeing the dumbfounded look on your faces.
Also don't try and tell us that Bunnyhug is our word for Hoodie, it's the other way around as the term Bunnyhug has been around forever.... well longer than hoodie... (if you don't count hoodies refernce to condoms in the 1930's...)Finally don't make us explain why it's called a bunnyhug, however if an explanation needed to shut the person up:
According to encyclopedia on dictionary.com:
term: Bunnyhug
origin: Saskatchewan
It is a term refering to an article of clothing that has a full torso covering, long sleeves, a hood and a pouch located at waist level, with an opening on both the left and right sides. This particular piece of clothing must be pulled over the head because there is no zipper. You will find yourself so warm and comfortable, it would be like a bunny was hugging you. Hence, the term: bunnyhug. (2007)
From urban dictionary:
Bunnyhug
A hooded sweatshirt with a pocket across the belly. Known to Saskatchewanians
No one but Prarie people in Canada know what this word means.
examples for use in a sentance.
It's chilly, grab your bunnyhug and put it on.
She pulled on her bunnyhug because she was cold."
And yes, I did gro up in Saskatchewan and this totally made me laugh.
The group is called "It's called a BunnyHug and always will be!!!" (Totally Random - Just for Fun)
"This group is for everyone from or still in Saskatchewan who has to deal with the criticism everytime they use the word bunnyhug. It's not a hoodie, a kangaroo pouch or a hooded sweatshirt and we will never stoop to your level just to avoid seeing the dumbfounded look on your faces.
Also don't try and tell us that Bunnyhug is our word for Hoodie, it's the other way around as the term Bunnyhug has been around forever.... well longer than hoodie... (if you don't count hoodies refernce to condoms in the 1930's...)Finally don't make us explain why it's called a bunnyhug, however if an explanation needed to shut the person up:
According to encyclopedia on dictionary.com:
term: Bunnyhug
origin: Saskatchewan
It is a term refering to an article of clothing that has a full torso covering, long sleeves, a hood and a pouch located at waist level, with an opening on both the left and right sides. This particular piece of clothing must be pulled over the head because there is no zipper. You will find yourself so warm and comfortable, it would be like a bunny was hugging you. Hence, the term: bunnyhug. (2007)
From urban dictionary:
Bunnyhug
A hooded sweatshirt with a pocket across the belly. Known to Saskatchewanians
No one but Prarie people in Canada know what this word means.
examples for use in a sentance.
It's chilly, grab your bunnyhug and put it on.
She pulled on her bunnyhug because she was cold."
And yes, I did gro up in Saskatchewan and this totally made me laugh.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
You know you are living in 2007 when...
I got this list forwarded to me and instead of forwarding it, I decided to share it with you. Dare you not to laugh! :)
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually looked back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually looked back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Hankie Momma
I have officially become that mommy - the one who has a dirty Kleenex in her pocket that she uses to wipe her kid's nose. I finally figured out why they do that. I have been wiping R's nose all day and it is such little bits at a time that I do not want to waste a whole Kleenex so I keep it for later. A little gross, I know, but we'd be going through an entire box of Kleenex otherwise.
Though if I start having a hankie up my sleeve, someone shoot me!
Though if I start having a hankie up my sleeve, someone shoot me!
Monday, March 5, 2007
Personal Space
I realized yesterday that I have personal space issues. Now, after Saturday's post about the escalator etiquette, you may be saying, "Duh!" But it is actually as a result of the last post that I realized this is an issue. Low and behold, I found myself yesterday feeling the exact same way, just not on an escalator. It was at Tim Hortons in the lineup.
Now, correct me if I am wrong people, but don't all people know that there is a bubble around every person of personal space? I mean, I realize it is smaller when you are in crowds or waiting in line, I will give you an extra foot closer to me, but when you bump my purse (one of those small ones that you wear on your shoulder, right under your armpit - it maybe sticks out 6 inches from my body) not once, but THREE TIMES!, shouldn't that be a hint that maybe you are too close?
Maybe this is a sign that we need to move somewhere less populated. Did I just say that? I didn't mean it! M, you cannot use this as a reason to move sometime in the future!
Now, correct me if I am wrong people, but don't all people know that there is a bubble around every person of personal space? I mean, I realize it is smaller when you are in crowds or waiting in line, I will give you an extra foot closer to me, but when you bump my purse (one of those small ones that you wear on your shoulder, right under your armpit - it maybe sticks out 6 inches from my body) not once, but THREE TIMES!, shouldn't that be a hint that maybe you are too close?
Maybe this is a sign that we need to move somewhere less populated. Did I just say that? I didn't mean it! M, you cannot use this as a reason to move sometime in the future!
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Escalator Etiquette
There are unspoken etiquette rules that everyone knows in life - walk on the right in hallways and malls. Don't talk loud enough in public places for everyone to hear your conversation. Don't stare at people on a elevator. Don't fart on a crowded CTrain (my husband's suggestion!)
And courtesy when you ride up an escalator dictates that you should leave a step between you and the person you don't know in front of you. Most escalators do not have wide enough steps so that a humans personal space is not invaded by the step behind them.
I am commenting on this because last night I went to the movies with my sister (we saw "Music & Lyrics with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant, really good chick flick, BTW!) and you take an escalator to get up it. The people in front of me were together 3 on 2 steps, which is good and I left the courtesy step between us. All of a sudden I felt someones presence behind me and could almost literally feel his breath down the back of my neck. I partially turned my head to the side to see a guy's head right at the same level as mine... right there! It scared me a little and I had nowhere to go to get away from him. I was not going to be just as awful and invade the people's space in front of me. Luckily it took less than a minute to finish the ride and I could get off.
Just thought I'd share, its been on my mind since then and though I ranted to my sister, I thought the rest of cyberspace should know too.
Storal of the morey is... sorry, Moral of the story is...
Please leave the stair between yourself and the person in front of you next time you are on an escalator, you never know when someone might need their personal space.
And courtesy when you ride up an escalator dictates that you should leave a step between you and the person you don't know in front of you. Most escalators do not have wide enough steps so that a humans personal space is not invaded by the step behind them.
I am commenting on this because last night I went to the movies with my sister (we saw "Music & Lyrics with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant, really good chick flick, BTW!) and you take an escalator to get up it. The people in front of me were together 3 on 2 steps, which is good and I left the courtesy step between us. All of a sudden I felt someones presence behind me and could almost literally feel his breath down the back of my neck. I partially turned my head to the side to see a guy's head right at the same level as mine... right there! It scared me a little and I had nowhere to go to get away from him. I was not going to be just as awful and invade the people's space in front of me. Luckily it took less than a minute to finish the ride and I could get off.
Just thought I'd share, its been on my mind since then and though I ranted to my sister, I thought the rest of cyberspace should know too.
Storal of the morey is... sorry, Moral of the story is...
Please leave the stair between yourself and the person in front of you next time you are on an escalator, you never know when someone might need their personal space.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)