Do you ever have a "poor me" time? I am sitting here - have been evaluating life over the past while and thinking that I need a change. Something needs to be shaken up, to become different.
I am LOVING my family, LOVING my family. Did I say that I am LOVING my family? Well, I am LOVING my family. We have the best time together, our kids are awesome, my DH has always been great, but lately has been the best hubby and father that I could wish for. (I'm so thankful for you M! I love you so much!) We have been spending lots of time together lately, had an amazing Christmas, and I have absolutely NO complaints in that department.
Just the rest of life seems off. I have been feeling out of it in the friends department. I have never been one to have LOTS of close friends. I grew up moving from place to place because of my father's job, then when we did settle down it was in a place where those friends around me kept coming in and out of my life. I have many periphery friends and people who I can see now and again and enjoy their company, but really right now I have only a couple friends who I would consider telling anything to and whom I would like to spend significant time with. And I feel badly because they have MANY friends themselves and I feel like what do they need me for? This sounds like a song on repeat for me. Have I wrote about this before? It feels like it, and I am sorry if this sounds familiar to you as well.
I confess I am a people pleaser - I like people to like me. And I do not have a lot of troubles getting along with people and talking to pretty much anyone. It is developing deeper, trusting relationships with people that I have troubles with. I am always holding back, partly because I am afraid of investing and then being separated from that person, and partly because I am afraid that someone would get to know me and find it a waste of time. I'm not that interesting or quirky, I don't have anything extra special that would cause people to desire a relationship with me. And unfortunately, I seem to be attracted (not in the boy-girl sense, in the friendship way) to people who I think do not have a need for another close friend. Their "friend holes" are all filled. And then I think, maybe I am being judge-y and not looking closely enough at someone who I might get along with really well, if I just spent the time getting to know them.
Wow, this sounds depressing. And very much like I have a low self-esteem. I don't, just am in that "poor me" state. It'll probably be better tomorrow. And because I do not want to worry about whether or not people will comment or on the other hand make it seem like I am looking for affirmation, I am going to turn the comments off.
Here's to a better tomorrow.
