Yesterday...

So yesterday was a little hard. V was here from last Thursday to Tuesday and she was such a help. I love having V come - she always plays lots with R and bakes with me, pardon me, bakes. (I don't bake a lot - though I did make pistachio cranberry white chocolate bark all by myself! Oh right V put the tin foil on the cookie sheet. :) I am getting much better, I make muffins on a regular basis now and have gone through almost one and a half big bags of flour since April!)

Back to my yesterday... V left on Tuesday night and that night I was feeling all weepy and down. I just felt like I couldn't do enough for my kids, R especially. He got so much play time with V and got to go outside and LOVED it so much. I felt like all I am ever doing is feeding the girls, R and keeping my head above water. Yesterday was just as bad, and it felt like no one really understood. Which is a little weird, because we went over to L's for a play date. R got into a fight with J 4 times, I think. He was shoving him quite a bit. And I was getting frustrated that he wouldn't listen and I was getting grouchier by the minute. Poor A, I think she saw me at my most frustrated. It was probably good that we were there, because if we'd have been at home I probably would've yelled at R and may have caused some emotional damage.

When we got home I tried to get ahold of DH several times and there was no answer. (Found out later that yesterday he was moving to his old office on the 8th floor again.) When I did talk to him he was so busy that he seemed distracted and not impressed that I was bugging him about this. This was my perception of course, not reality. I think he just wants to know what he can DO, but I don't know what I want him to do, just that I want to talk to someone. A little sympathy. It is hard for me sometimes to be content at home. I love people, I love being around people, talking with people and am very definitely an extrovert. I feel like I should have gotten my "fix" at A's and frankly am wondering why I needed a pick-me-up when V was here all weekend, but hey. I think because I have not really gotten any time away from the kids for awhile, that is why I am down.

Don't get me wrong... I LOVE my kids. I LOVE being a mom. I LOVE everything about staying at home with them, the good stuff at least. I never miss the things that they do, their progress, the cute little things that R does and says, the girls talking and cooing.

I do miss being in the workforce though. I miss daily interactions with people. I must admit that am jealous of my husband. I am jealous of the social interactions that he gets, the comraderie with his co-workers, and especially right now I am jealous of all the Christmas stuff that they are doing. It seems that every time I call him there is something going on - going out to buy gifts for the family they adopted for Christmas, wrapping the gifts while eating lunch together, going to deliver the gifts. Today he was supposed to take some of the Christmas baking with to work to share... it was on the counter when I got up this morning. I was a little ticked because I'd gone and put it together at 11 p.m. when he reminded me last night. After which the conversation that I'd hoped to have with him never happened because by the time I got upstairs after putting the baking together he was fast asleep.

It's hard to have conversations these days with DH. He's exhausted after work because he's been up since 6 a.m. and has fought traffic to get to work - right now people driving awfully because of the weather and roads - and spent 8 hours or more working at the computer - then fights traffic home. When he gets home we eat and he tries to spend time with the kids, R especially. If he sits down to talk to me while I feed the girls, he often falls asleep during it. Last night instead of me getting away from the kids for a short time, I got to put R to bed while DH shoveled the walk and ran the van for awhile to warm it up. A necessity in this weather. We then put the girls to bed and I had my first time to myself all day yesterday - I took a bath and read for an hour. It was great! Unfortunately, due to other things we never got to finish our conversation.

Let's just say that yesterday was not a good day and I hoped today would be better.

And then I came downstairs to find the container of cookies on the counter and called DH, who was in the van going to deliver the Christmas gifts. And I could hear them all laughing about it, how DH was in the doghouse now. And all I could think was about how I lost my opportunity to talk to another adult, more importantly my husband, for nothing. And now I am crying. Maybe today won't be any better. And I just remembered that I have to go to the dentist tonight. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I have kids and can't climb back into bed and shut the world out for the day.