Faith Talk

My parents gave us this book on R's birthday - not because it was R's birthday, I think it was just because that happened to be the day they gave it to us. Anyway, I have started reading it while I am nursing and am enjoying it.
It talks all about how faith of the parents of a child are the most important of all. That even though a child may grow up going to church or be really involved even in junior high/high school etc. they probably will not keep a strong faith unless the parents model and instill in their kids how important faith and God are.
The author, Mark Holmen, talks about faith-talk and including it into your everyday, he uses an acronym T.R.A.I.N. and breaks it down, but the only one that really stuck out to me was the N. It was for "Never-ending", that the faith you have will be remembered by your kids, grandkids and down the line.
It really struck me when I was reading it and I began to cry. I had a memory of a wedding we attended about 8 years ago of the daughter of the pastor who started the church DH was the youth pastor at at the time. His father was also a pastor and was performing the ceremony. He was doing the message and was talking about the faith in God that had been important in their family and generation after generation had known what being in a relationship with God was like. DH had looked at me and said that he was the first one his family to know that and we would be starting new with our family.
What an awesome and terrifying responsibility! I have three little people who I not only influence how they view and react to the world and people in it, but I (and DH as well) am the primary influence for the faith that my kids will have. I get to teach that about God and how He wants to be a part of their everyday life.
The other thing that truly hit me and HARD was that in order to do this I need to be proactive with my faith. I know I am on a journey, but it has been a very slow one in the past few years since kids. Not that I am blaming R or that I am too busy with kids, just that I find regular devotions a difficult thing (it's discipline, you know, which I am not good at!) and I let being busy as a new mom be an excuse. And then I got out of the habit, both of a regular time with God as well as doing faith-talk with R.
So I am starting again, and trying to be more intentional. I have been a lot more emotional about it and little things he does now that are the beginnings of his own faith walk make me cry. Like singing "Jesus Loves Me" yesterday at his grandparents for my parents and my aunt. I was so proud of him! And joining me in singing "Joy!" by Avalon in the car. He's learning, and it is from his mom.
(I am not saying anywhere here that he does not learn from his daddy as well - he really does!)

Reevaluating

I have noticed that I have been very sporadic with my blog. It's almost been a year since I started it and though I started it wanting to be totally open and honest with myself and the world, I find I have been not writing because I have nothing of significance to say, or having things that I am mulling over that I am not sure I want to bare to the world wide web. I have considered going private, but then I will not get to "meet" more people, which this blog and reading other people's sometimes feels like the only social interaction I get some days. At the beginning I had a lot about R on here, but since starting his own blog for him, that has cut down the posts - though I am glad about that as I felt it was all about him and I needed my own space.
I think part of the lack of posts has been because I had wanted this blog to be about my spiritual journey as well as the every day life and thoughts I was having. but my spiritual life has pretty much been minor in my life the past half year or so. Not intentionally, just trying to figure some things out and know what I believe, not what I have been taught to believe. I have always struggled in my relationship with God - not believing in Him or His hand in my life or the lives of others - in not feeling His presence. I once started reading Messy Spirituality by Mike Yaconelli and didn't end up finishing it and it's been on my mind for the past few weeks to get it out and reread it. I think I need a reminder that it's not just me right now.
I didn't want this blog to be just fluff because I wanted it to reflect who I was and I am someone who can go deep. Though it is funny, because one of the ladies in my mom's group gave me a card last week and she said that she appreciates how funny I am. I don't think anyone besides DH laughs at/with me as much as my mom's group ladies. No one else probably thinks that I, myself, am funny. Oh, don't get me wrong - most everyone who knows me thinks I have a good, shall I say great, sense of humor - but no one has ever commented before Rose that I am humorous and not in a bad way. Makes me feel good.
I think that's all the thoughts I have for now. If there are more I will share, and I am going to get out Messy Spirituality and I will let you know how that goes.
Have a good Wednesday!

Something really cool...

The night after we watched "The Pursuit of Happyness" we watched the special features and it talked about them having an Italian director for this "american dream" story. Anyways, in that featurette it also mentioned that he insisted on hiring people who were actually homeless for the roles of the homeless people in the movie. One of the producers talked about how the people talked about how it felt to go and pick up a paycheck, how it gave them some self-esteem. How cool is that!
Made me think more about the fact that I need to start doing something...

Thoughts from a La-Z-(Girl)

Today we had the second half of an interview that Bill Hybels had done with Bono of U2 for last year's Leadership Summit. Don't think I mentioned it last week, but we had the first one then and the second today. It was a very good interview - learnt things about Bono that I never knew before. I knew that he was a Christ-follower - not necessarily involved with a church, understandably as he is from Ireland and man their politics are so mixed up with their church that I think it would be a little confusing for anyone to follow God in the church. These are just my thoughts and suppositions about what I thought he thought, not what I had heard or read about him. Anyways... the things that I got out of the interview and the notes for thought that they flashed up on the screen after the video each week was these things... (and just so mo one is thinking that I am trying to preach or tell them what to do, it is what I learnt. Just clarifying.)
...we have been talking about being water in our world at church this year, and was reminded once again that I have water (or credit, as Bono put it) that I can use to help out other people.
... I do not need to ask God to bless what I am doing, but look for where God is working and get involved there, because He has already blessed it.
... I was really convicted that though I am quick to give or have the desire to give money, I am very hesitant to give of my time and get involved with those people who are less fortunate than me. This was the biggest thing for me today. I was in tears for the second half of the video, as Bono and then the reflections on the screen talked of how Jesus prayed in the Lord's Prayer, "May your Kingdom come soon.
May your will be done on earth,
as it is in heaven." Matthew 6:10 (New Living Translation)
What would it be like to have heaven on earth? Really... Think about that for just a second. Not for there to be no pain, no suffering or tears as the Bible tells us heaven will be, but to take and be concentrated on doing God's will here on earth. Most people think of Heaven as something that will happen when we die - we will finally have arrived. But what if we can reach out and give people who need it a taste of heaven now. And live ourselves as if God was working in and through us. I must confess that I do not reach out with the compassion that Jesus had to those less fortunate than I. I struggle with the thought of actually "getting my hands dirty" in helping the down and out. I sit up here in my home - that is a beautiful little house, with a gorgeous yard, in a community that is well-off. And I am comfortable here. I do not want to go out of my way and give of my time to help other people, least of all the poor and unfortunate. But who did Jesus hang around with?
It was interesting, Bono commented on the fact that helping the poor is mentioned 2003 times in the Bible, the only other topic that is mentioned more is salvation/redemption by God. And judgement is only mentioned once - and it is in reference to when Jesus talks about the end of the earth and how people will be separated according to what they did for those less fortunate, those who are hungry, thirsty, in need of clothing, and in jail. That when we are doing these things for people, we are doing them for God. So, what am I doing?
I have to be totally honest with myself and say... nothing. Nothing. And this is not sitting well with me. I am uncomfortable about that thought.
Discomfort in this case is a good thing.

What was I thinking?

I just read through my last post. Wow, life sounds like it was very hard for me on that day and for the past few weeks. Today I read it and think "What was I thinking?" I mean, has life been that hard for me these past few weeks? After having had a weekend together with my family and still having today "off" (DH home and us doing stuff together) life doesn't seem all that bad. And besides, who do I think I am that I have it bad or need to be private about my journey. I did start this to share it with others, so why am I thinking about making it private?
But, I think back and I remember that yes, I have been struggling inwardly for the past several weeks about life. Last week Jeff talked at church about refueling our spiritual lives, how if we do not do that, we tend to get short with people who are close to us, and irritable and cranky and life doesn't have peace or go smoothly. I have been experiencing this. I feel prickly, short with R and almost want to crawl out of my own skin because I feel so anxious. There has been no peace in my life, no settled feeling. Jeff also talked about what we can do to fill up our spiritual tanks (so to say), that is to reconnect with God and our spiritual side. This is different for every person. He also talked about what we do that hinders our journey and it too is different for every person.
For me, as I mentioned in the last post, I was letting distractions get in my way. Reading and watching TV tend to be my distraction of choice - do not get me wrong, I have no problem with these things - I LOVE to read and sitting down to watch TV on occasion is good. I was at the point though of whenever I had that anxious feeling, I would pick up a book or turn on the TV and lose myself in the story. It was not helpful and was keeping me from doing the reflecting that I know I have been avoiding since the Girlfriends retreat. Listen to me here - I sound like I am already past this, when I have just been thinking about it yesterday and today! Silliness.
Something that helps me to get energized spiritually is music. I am a music lover and adore many genres of music (sorry to the country fans out there, I am still not much of a country fan, though we do have a Tim McGraw CD which I love - it has "Live Like You Were Dying" on it, go figure! :) We got out some CDs from United Live (the youth worship from Hillsong Church in Australia) that I have been wanting to hear for a couple of months now, but have been forgetting. So good! I love their lyrics and they just speak to me and infuse me with a renewed passion for God.
Here are a few that have been replaying in my head:

From "To the Ends of the Earth"

Jesus, I believe in You
And I would go, to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For you alone are the son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God

One Way

I lay my life down at your feet
You're the only one I need
I turn to you and you are always there

In troubled times it's you I seek
I put you first that's all I'll need
I humble all I am, All to you

One way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for

You are always, always there
Every how and everywhere
Your grace abounds so deeply within me

You will never ever change
Yesterday, today the same
Forever 'til forever meets no end

One way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that I could live for

You are the way, the truth, and the life
We live by faith and not by sight, for you
We're living all for you

You are God

As to the lyrics, I may not be there yet, but I am working on it. And I am happy that I am on this journey... and that you are along for the ride with me... and I refuse to go backwards and become once again the woman who believes that all should be perfect in her life, at least the one that others see. It's not healthy and I will NOT do it.
So, once again, here I am, warts, struggles and all. Though, just for my own sanity, I am going to turn off the comments on future posts. If there is ever anything you want to say to me, you can email or find me on Facebook! :)
So this is a good-bye for now and a welcome to my space once again!

Still thinkin'

OK - so it has been a little while since I last posted and that post was a little weird and I have been thinking about things and trying to figure out what I want to do about my blog and I am still having a little troubles with it. Part of me is wanting to make it private, so I know exactly who reads it, because with the response to my last post asking whoever reads it to please leave a comment, I only have 5 people who read it, which I know isn't true because even DH didn't comment, and he says that he reads it. Another part of me thinks that I will turn off comments, so I no longer have to worry in the back of my mind if I am connecting with anyone or if anyone cares, if that makes sense. Then I can just "journal" for me thoughts I have, things I am thinking about, etc.
I am still a mite confused as to why exactly I have this blog and if I am totally honest with myself, I started it to chronicle my journey and if I am not true to that, why have it. I kind of took away the family aspect of it when I created R's blog, so now it is just me, laid bare for whoever to read about, and I guess I am starting to delve into things about myself that are harder to admit to myself, let alone the world wide web as well as my family and friends (more importantly :). I'd like to say that life is easy and a bunch of anecdotes to post about, but it is not. It is messy, icky and downright hard sometimes to deal with the things in your life, about yourself that you don't like. Don't get me wrong here people, I am not talking about any kind of crime or anything that most people wouldn't consider that bad, just stuff that I find difficult to conquer - for example the fact that I tend to spend more time avoiding spending time on my spiritual life by reading and watching TV than I would like to. I think another part of why I don't want to write about it is because I feel that I would then be accountable for those things and I do not know if I am ready for that.
Yuck... I am hating all of this. I think I am going to make it private, maybe I won't even invite people to view it until I am ready to. I know it has been good for me to write about my journey... I know that I love other people's blogs... I know that I love the "community" aspect and how I have gotten to know people like Jobina through it and "met" others like Angela and Amber through blogging. Ack, the tug-o'-war within me!
Guess the conclusion is... still thinkin'!

A jumble of thoughts...sorry if it doesn't flow smoothly or make a lot of sense

It has been awhile since I last posted something. This is for a few reasons. First, I have barely been on the computer in the past little while – the upstairs one that holds our pictures, so I cannot add pictures to the posts that I wanted to write. I am a little frustrated with this computer as every time I am on it, this “autoplay” window keeps popping up – so annoying as it stops whatever I am doing and I have to clock on the window or page to get back to typing. Anyone know what that is about, let me know!
Secondly, I am getting out and getting exercise, which I am loving! R and I have been taking a walk most days. It has been so beautiful here, and I love the smells of summer and the cool breeze in the morning. While R sleeps I have been doing housework, and catching a nap every once in a while.
Last night I had an awful sleep. I have also been watching “Roswell” on DVD from www.zip.ca which we are a part of. I am a little hooked on this series… I know, I am a sci-fi geek!... I had previously watched the first season and the third, but never the second, so now I am on the second and was up a little later last night watching it. I found my mind wouldn't shut off, and then it was hot in our room and my allergies (hay fever) have started acting up in the past week, so that was bugging me too. It was not a pretty night. DH and I were both up from 4-5, then he just got up, I fell asleep finally.
It seems as though I have been thinking non-stop for the past two weeks. There are a lot of things on my mind. I went to the Girlfriends retreat with our church 2 weeks ago, the theme of our session (yes, only one session on the weekend... it was good) was Self-Worth. I realised once again that mine is not very high. I tend to put a little too much stock in what others think, or should I say, what I perceive others think. And I started thinking about this and talked with both K and A from my mom's group on Saturday about it. I feel so blessed by these ladies, and am thankful to God for them. I never feel like they are judging me and I have told both of them that.
Here are some photos from the weekend. I didn't get too many, but hey...Here is the group of ladies that I was sitting with for our "spa evening". We were walked through doing manicures on ourselves. From Left to Right we have B, A, K and myself.
This is my feet after my pedicure. It was a good one, though I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as I would've liked as I got a migraine an hour before it. (Gotta love the sandal tan, hey! My legs won't tan, but my feet sure do, how fair is that! :)
That was all the pictures I got, well, I actually got a really funny one of K, but I thought she wouldn't appreciate my putting it on here. :)
So, after I got home from my weekend away, I had a little bit to think about and I have been, but I haven't felt at all about blogging about it. I have been going back and forth about it, because I told myself that I would always be open and honest here and would use it as kind of a journal, but how open do you want to be with anyone who could read this? I do not mind about my family or close friends, but people rarely comment on my blog, so I have no idea who actually reads it. I am curious as to who I am all opening my life to and sharing it with. The purpose originally was to chronicle my journey and to also connect with other people and I am wondering if I am doing either. I guess it is time for some reflection and renewal of the vision, and purpose (ha, DH, just had to throw that in there - seemed appropriate! :) of this blog.
I have seen on other people's blogs a request that anyone who is reading the blog please leave a comment. I would like to do this, so please, leave a comment for me. I would like to know 4 things:
1. your name or online nickname
2. how you got to the blog
3. where approximately you are from
4. how long you have been reading
Please, even those of you who I know read it comment. You can post under anonymous if you do not have a gmail or blogger account.
Thank you everyone. This will help me figure some things out.

Just rub the lamp

I have been thinking about this for about a week now and it became very fresh this morning as Kelly talked about it in church. Last Friday, before I was to have my open house the next day, I went to bed early, and prayed that we would all sleep well, as we had all been a little under the weather all week. I was woken at 12:23 to R crying. Normally I will go in there if he cries more than a few minutes and hold him in the rocking chair until he falls asleep - usually only 15 minutes - and then put him back to bed. This night he was awake for three hours in total. Every time I tried to put him back down he would awaken and start screaming like someone was hurting him and sobbing so badly that he would choke. I finally changed him, diaper and jammies and put music on and resolved myself to spending the night in the glider rocker if I had to. He then fell asleep, finally.
During this time, I thought about my prayer for all of us to have a good sleep and started questioning God a little, "You know that I need sleep and that I have an important day tomorrow!" I then thought, "What am I mad at God for? Why is this His fault? I am treating Him like He is a genie in a lamp, that I just have to rub the lamp and out He'll pop and I get whatever I want! And that is not right." (Yes, I do have deep thoughts at 2 in the morning. :) So this has been percolating in my mind for the last week and then this morning Kelly talked about what he called "Consumeristic Christianity". He talked about how we often make our spiritual life about us and what we can get - "God, give me money... God, make me successful... God, help my son to sleep through the night." - instead of it being about the kingdom of God here on earth, and my role and help in that being true. Consumeristic Christianity doesn't make us happy or take away the ache of life. So maybe we have missed the point in our spiritual journey being all about us... it should be all about God's kingdom.
I have fallen into this trap. Big time! Whoa, so big time! I do not know if it has gotten worse over the years. I believe it has, especially since we moved here, where it is all about what you have in comparison to the people around you and in your life. We live in the smallest house you could build in our area. We have old cars and furniture that has been passed down to us. I, especially in the last few months, have been very envious of people around me who have bigger houses and are getting even bigger houses because "they have outgrown their house." I have been jealous of people getting new vehicles and thinking to myself, "I wish we could get a new one too." Not that I am begrudging anyone what they have, I really am not. I am truly happy for everyone getting their new things, I just wish that we could have something new too, even new-to-us. I would love a couch that doesn't sag in the middle or a chair that has springs that work! I would love a vehicle that has air-conditioning and I will not bump my head on every time I get R out of his seat. I would love a house with a garage and a fireplace that I can curl up in front of a read a book on a crazy, snowy April Fool's Day. But I am mistaken in that I deserve all that, and that God should give it to me. I have been missing all my blessings, as well as the fact that I have so much to give - to the people around me who I know and love, to the people in my world that are disenfranchised, to the people who need help that I can give to them.
So, here are the blessings that I have:
1. I have a house with a mortgage payment that does not break us every month. One that is cozy, I can easily keep up with the schedule it takes to keep it clean, and it provides everything we need to live in. We have 2 bedrooms, a office/loft with many books, an open concept main floor that is roomy, large windows so it seems bright and spacious. We have a partially finished basement, with a futon where we can have overnight guests and they can have their own space.
2. I have not just one, but 2 vehicles that, though they may be older, both run well and have heat in the winter that works great! In the wintertime I can drive the Sidekick with its 4wheel drive and the summer I can drive the Corolla with its air-conditioning. I never have to be without a car nor do I have to get a sleepy boy out of bed to drive DH somewhere to be dropped off so that I can have a vehicle for the day.
3. I am not without anything that I need in my house. And we have been very blessed over the years to have people give us furniture. It's been such a blessing to not have to put out money to furnish the house, especially when we were in ministry and there was no extra money for that.
4. We are all very healthy at our house. Now, without trying to "jinx" the fact, I would like to say that R has never had the stomach flu and only occasionally is he sick enough that I need to give him Tylenol or other medication.
5. I am able to stay at home with R. This is huge! DH and I decided even before we got married that once we had children, I would stay at home. We wanted to be able to provide that stability and have our children be taught our values and be raised by mom. This is something both of us had growing up and we both wanted for our kids too. For us this is the best decision, though I know many people who make it work and it is better for their family to have mom work too. As I got to the end of my maternity leave with R I did debate about going back to work when DH could take care of him, but it honestly pained me to think about the fact that I might miss out on something R did while I wasn't there.
The fact that I am not working outside our home does mean that all those things that I keep wishing I had are not as easy to get, but look what I am getting in return. Days at home with my son, I see each development he makes as it happens. I see his little personality unfold and see his rough as well as good times. I get little hugs and kisses throughout the day. I get to go to Mom's group with him and see him interact with his little friends and grow in his social skills. It is a good life!
6. I have friends, both old and new, who do not mind when I am totally real with them. Ones I can laugh with and cry with, who I can talk about things that I love and hate and might be a taboo topic with other people. Friends who love me as I am.
7. I have a family who loves me and accepts me as I am. People who I would be friends with even if we weren't related - that's huge!
8. I have son who is amazing, creative, artistic and all around fun to be with. We lay in bed at night sometimes and laugh with joy at the one who is our son. we are so blessed to have him and as I type this, he is talking away at me, trying to communicate things that I do not yet know what. He is incredible!
9. I have a husband who loves me, who loves our son and spends time with him every day. He is someone I can laugh with, cry with, swear at sometimes (sorry M, I do love you!), be silly and stupid with. We have spent the best and the worst of times together, seen each other at our personal best and worst, and still have made it through together. We have travelled together, had adventures together, done ministry together, had a child together. We have been married almost 10 years now and I love him more than the day we got married. That's a blessing!
10. I know the God of the universe. He wants to have a relationship with me, and with you, and cares what is going on in my life and the lives of the people in the world around me. He wants to touch the world through me. That is amazing!
So, if I am ever complaining about my life, refer me back to this post.

What are your blessings?

Let's just call it what it is...

...SIN.
At church they have been doing a series called "Have We Missed the Point?" They are talking about various things that the Church (as in evangelicals across Western civilization in the past and present) has believed and has taught is the correct way of believing, but is not necessarily what the Bible says. It is basically to get people thinking about what exactly they do believe and delve into Scripture to see what it says. Anyhow, yesterday Kelly talked about sin. Which is not new to me, is not to you or anyone on this world for that matter. And the things that he said were not new to me or thoughts that I don't haven't struggled with.
He talked about how all sin, ALL, is the same in God's eyes. How we often, and I am definitely guilty of this, rate how bad sin is. That that pastor in Colorado who struggles with homosexuality and went to his church to ask forgiveness of them, as he did God - his sin is so much worse than my slothfulness (laziness). (Do you hear the sarcasm here?) Anyway, it was so good to hear and be reminded of yet again. It is something I tend to let myself forget.
Kelly also emphasized that God's grace, His forgiveness covers over every one's sin, that there is no sin in this world that He will not forgive, all we need to do is accept it. Good reminder, good reminder.
And then last night, I was praying and it hit me. It is so amazing what a 16 month old can teach you about life, yourself and your relationship with the One who created you. I was praying about the things I do wrong, asking God to forgive me from those things and a picture came slamming into my head so clearly of R putting his hand out to touch that thing that I so clearly have been telling him "no touch" since he started to touch it. A little grin playing at the side of his mouth... him not realizing (sometimes in my mind, not caring!) how much this infuriates me. And I say, "no touch" again. And I squeeze his little hand and say "no touch" the second time. And I lightly slap his little hand and say "no touch" the third time. And I slap a little harder, saying "Mommy said no touch" and move him away to show him something else the fourth time. And all this while I am trying to keep my cool and my voice even and my patience, even though I am quite hot under my collar.
So this picture came into my head while I was praying, and I wondered to myself whether God feels like this with me. How many times have I ignored the little voice in my head that is saying "no" that it is not healthy for me to laze around, watching TV. It will not help me to accomplish those things I need to get done. It will not build into my child. It will not strengthen the trust that DH has in me that our household will run smoothly. (This is only one example, and I am not saying that watching TV is a sin, just the excessive watching I was doing in the past that interfered with other things and I knew that I had a problem but wouldn't do anything about it.)
I hope that the next time I hear the voice I listen, or else what kind of mom would I be, to expect my son to listen and not listen myself.
Wow, some days I wonder who is learning from who here. Or maybe we teach each other.

Anniversary thoughts and reflections

Anyone who knows DH and I well is thinking, "What anniversary?" In fact, that is probably what my husband is thinking too! :) It was 4 years ago today that we rolled into the city with our moving van (UHaul, of course, though we do not like them because of their awful business practices and our horrible first move, they were the only ones we could get. Gotta love a shady business with a corner on the cross country moves.) with attached Suzuki Sidekick. We had just left the only home we had ever known as a married couple in Brandon, MB and the only church that we had ever ministered in. We had taken a youth ministry that didn't exist and brought it to life, with many students that were excited about impacting their world and volunteers that we were confident could help those students lead the ministry without us. We were coming to a church where we felt DH could grow as a leader, be mentored in speaking and we would have an abundance of opportunity to minister to and help people grow themselves. We were also coming to a place that, though we had never lived here, was home, as my family was here.
In the past 4 years it has been a bit of a different ride than we thought it would be. In fact, career wise for DH it has been downright discouraging and, some days we feel, ministry ending. We went through a senior pastor leaving our church that we moved here for, the person who was supposed to mentor DH in being a leader actually (most likely not intentionally, though it did/does feel like it) killed any confidence DH had in being a good leader. Then we found out that the church was on the verge of bankruptcy, and the church merged with another church. DH stayed on, though in a capacity that was far different than what we came here for. There was parts of the job that he enjoyed, but for the most part it was a job, rather than a ministry and frankly, who wants to work in the ministry for the salary we seem to think those who are "working for God" should be paid? (I am sounding a little bitter here, sorry people. It is pathetic though that society and Christians seem to think that pastors should be making so little. Why should they have a lower standard of living than everyone else? It makes no sense, if you ask me.) Also it was tough to be working somewhere where you look around the table at staff meeting and think "All these people were chosen. They were stuck with me, they didn't have a choice." Do not get me wrong though, DH loved the people he worked with and the team was great. It was the situation.
On the other hand, we have be very blessed personally in the past 4 years. We travelled to Mexico in March of 2003. We moved into our first house in October of 2003. DH got given a sailboat, a Fireball racing dinghy, in June of 2003. He completed his Masters of Leadership from Royal Roads University in June of 2005. We travelled to Australia and New Zealand in June/July of 2005. We had R in October of 2005. DH is now working at an oil & gas start up, taking a break from ministry for awhile. (I don't think God has said we are done forever, as my husband's heart still burns for it.) We have made amazing friends (you know who you are! :), been able to see my family on a regular basis and DH's family probably 2-3 times more often than the previous years in Manitoba. We are now part of a church that we can be ministered to in. That is nice I find to see the other side of the coin, and later when we do go back, we will know from experience what it is like.
We also still keep in touch with various people from Brandon and go back to visit. Our ministry there lives on, just in a different way than we expected. It is more in the individual lives - one of our girls (ladies now!) is in South Africa with a student educational program called Outtatown. One is in Ethiopia with SIM working with a girls ministry. One is getting married in May to a young man studying to be a youth pastor and is wanting to be fully involved with his ministry. Two are at Capenwray studying more of what it means to have a relationship with God. One was working for YFC and then got married this fall and she and her husband moved from Brandon and started a small group for young married people at their new church because there was none. Two of our close friends who were our apprentice leaders of our small group took over the group, then became coaches for small group leaders and are now teaching and helping to lead the youth ministry at the church. There are more, but these are just the ones that come immediately to mind. So, God is still working through the seeds that we helped place in people's lives. It is good.
And I am here, on this journey, learning so much about God and myself and starting to consider the ways that I can get involved again. And though there was tough times in the past 4 years, I would not trade them. I like where we are at now, who I have become as a result of our experiences. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't had them. I don't think I would like to find out. I guess that the phrase "Father knows best" is true, because I think my Heavenly Father does.

Hey, he got that from me!

I just wrote a post on R's blog that I think belongs here too. It is weird how, though I have had a bit of a frustrating day, I still have all these thoughts and desires as a mom. I guess God makes it this way so that we don't want to give up on parenting altogether!
There are times that I look at R and go, "Whoa! That is so weird! He got that from me." And then I think how interesting it is the way genetics work.
R has always had a habit of sticking out his tongue when he is concentrating on something... I do that. I have always, always been annoyed when DH coughs and his tongue sticks out. Why does he have to do that? Keep your tongue in, that just looks gross! (Make sure you imagine my nose curled up and a very judgemental face when you read those two questions. Hey, I didn't say it was pretty or I was right here! :) Well, guess what I figured out he couldn't help but do because it was genetics when my son starting doing it as a wee baby? You guessed it, stick out his tongue when he coughs! It no longer bugs me so much when DH does it when he coughs. Probably a good thing he passed it on to R.
There are other things that R does that was passed along when he was knit together in my womb. His love of all things musical, his ready smile, his insatiable curiosity.
There are things that he will learn from DH and I as he grows. And I pray these will be positive things, things that you want to instill in your child. A desire for truth, for giving and receiving love. A knowledge of God and His desire to be a part of R's life. A strong leadership ability. There are more, but not enough time and room to write them all.
I want to be the best mom I can to R... because he deserves it. And I want to look at him someday, see something that he did, some character trait or positive action he took and say, "Hey, he got that from me!"

Oh Lord...give me patience...

...and give it to me NOW!
I have been told by friends that they learn a lot of lessons through their kids, or character building things. I am learning this, as you know already from previous posts I have made. The past few days, and today in particular, I have been needing an extra dose of patience.
I am not a very patient person, in fact when asked what is something I have difficulty with or need to work on, that is the first thing that I reply. I have always quipped, while knowing full well that it would be true, that I would learn patience when I had kids. And it has come to pass.
My little boy, whom I love so dearly and adore with all of my heart, was a regular bear today. Actually bear is an understatement... we, as parents, could do nothing right in his mind. He woke up at 8:30 a.m. and had a bottle, then came downstairs and wanted the TV on. I said no and he threw a tantrum. Then I sat down at the table to use my new label maker and label all my modulars (yeah, yeah!) and he wanted to see, so I picked him up and let him sit on my lap for awhile. He then tried to pick up the label maker (which broke yesterday when we opened the back, so we are returning it, but we could use it as long as it was flat on the table) and I said no, R... and he had a tantrum. So I put him down and he had a tantrum. (Does anyone see a pattern here?) We had only been downstairs for about 45 minutes now and I put him in his high chair and fed him and gave him some apple for him to feed himself while I worked and he was quite happy until the apple was done and I tried to give him some yogurt. He started to cry again. We decided maybe he needed a nap. So we put him down. And after talking to himself awhile he slept. For a full two hours. Yeah, sweet relief. Then he got up.
The rest of the day he was grouchy as well. He had another long nap in the afternoon and DH had him upstairs for a long time while I got things done on our main floor. It was a very good thing that it was Family Day here in Alberta and that R's daddy was home, because I think I would've gone crazy without my husband. God knew I would need him.
So have I learnt patience yet? Nope, but it is something that I am working on. I will learn it yet and probably over the course of quite a few days like this. All I can say is that I hope tomorrow is a good day.

10 Things....er, 11?

Jobina did a post yesterday about the 10 good things in her life. I am totally stealing the idea (but I told her I was going to, so I think it is OK. :) Here are mine in no particular order, just off the top of my head:
1. I have a husband who loves me and I love him dearly.
2. I have a wonderful son who is the source of much joy and entertainment.
3. I have the privilege of having a relationship with the Person who created me and loves me and wants to give me peace and harmony in my life.
4. I have friends, both old and new, who I can spend time with each week.
5. I have family who lives close by and I can see on a regular basis.
6. I have a computer with Internet and email to keep up with those I love who are not close enough to visit.
7. I have a lovely home and everything I need in it. It is warm and I did not have to venture out today for anything.
8. I live in a place where we experience not only heat in the summer, but beautifully falling snow.
9. I am enjoying the journey of getting to know myself better.
10. I am still capable of deep thought and introspection (there are times when I thought I had lost that during pregnancy and after! :)
So there are 10, I know that I have more and may start a tradition of doing this every so often, who knows. Brings me back to the gratitude journal I tried to do with DH in the first year of our marriage. Never went very far with it, maybe I'll do better now. :)
Add-On!
I just thought of an eleventh that just cannot wait until next time...
11. LAUGHTER! (DH was tickling R and I just love that sound. It is the best thing in the world, ever!)

A New Blog?

I have been looking back over my posts and the topics and reading some of my recent ones and there seems to be a lot about R. I have begun to wonder if I should start a blog just about him and for my thoughts of him and what is going on with him.
Then I started to wonder what I would write about on "my" blog. What is there to me anymore besides being R's mother. Have I lost myself already, after only a year?
But I have made posts about me since I started this blog, just the past week seems to have been dedicated to R and comments on what's going on with him.
So I am back to thoughts of starting a blog that is dedicated to thoughts and posts on R and keeping this one for me. I haven't decided yet - I will keep you posted (ooh, bad pun! Sorry it's late and I need to go to bed! :)