Still thinkin'

OK - so it has been a little while since I last posted and that post was a little weird and I have been thinking about things and trying to figure out what I want to do about my blog and I am still having a little troubles with it. Part of me is wanting to make it private, so I know exactly who reads it, because with the response to my last post asking whoever reads it to please leave a comment, I only have 5 people who read it, which I know isn't true because even DH didn't comment, and he says that he reads it. Another part of me thinks that I will turn off comments, so I no longer have to worry in the back of my mind if I am connecting with anyone or if anyone cares, if that makes sense. Then I can just "journal" for me thoughts I have, things I am thinking about, etc.
I am still a mite confused as to why exactly I have this blog and if I am totally honest with myself, I started it to chronicle my journey and if I am not true to that, why have it. I kind of took away the family aspect of it when I created R's blog, so now it is just me, laid bare for whoever to read about, and I guess I am starting to delve into things about myself that are harder to admit to myself, let alone the world wide web as well as my family and friends (more importantly :). I'd like to say that life is easy and a bunch of anecdotes to post about, but it is not. It is messy, icky and downright hard sometimes to deal with the things in your life, about yourself that you don't like. Don't get me wrong here people, I am not talking about any kind of crime or anything that most people wouldn't consider that bad, just stuff that I find difficult to conquer - for example the fact that I tend to spend more time avoiding spending time on my spiritual life by reading and watching TV than I would like to. I think another part of why I don't want to write about it is because I feel that I would then be accountable for those things and I do not know if I am ready for that.
Yuck... I am hating all of this. I think I am going to make it private, maybe I won't even invite people to view it until I am ready to. I know it has been good for me to write about my journey... I know that I love other people's blogs... I know that I love the "community" aspect and how I have gotten to know people like Jobina through it and "met" others like Angela and Amber through blogging. Ack, the tug-o'-war within me!
Guess the conclusion is... still thinkin'!