To the Ninjas from a Pirate with love...

***Note from R - this is DH's first post on my blog and he is making up for lost time!***

This is a contribution by M, the husband of R. Often mentioned but never present. He is also sometimes referred to as "My Husband", or "DH" or "Daddy". Calgary commuters may refer to him as "SOB" and recently he has also been known to answer to "Impregnator of Two Eggs with one Sperm". This is his story...

Computers have been present in my life since early elementary school. A diagnosis of a mild learning disability, combined with an "ahead of her time" social worker had me as an experiment for the education system of the province of British Columbia. In spite of rumors to the contrary these experiments did not involve any electrodes, fluid samples or radiation therapy. And while I am at it, I would also like to put one other rumor to rest... I was not dropped on my head, but yes I have always been this way.

Anyways... the experiment involved seeing if a computer (back in the mid to late 80's an expensive and rare piece of equipment in any home or school) could assist in the learning and development of a student with a disability. So, while I entered my formative years as a student and teenager I did it with a computer on my desk. While the identifiable nerds in the classroom vocalized their presence through quests of Dungeons and Dragons, as well as rabid and sweaty conversations about Lord of the Rings, I quietly sat at my desk and wrestled with monochromatic monitors and bathed in binary code.

Lucky for me, by the time high school opened its doors to me some brilliant technician, probably an ex employee of Texas Instruments or Brother typewriters invented a laptop. Mind you, the person who named it the laptop surely was overweight for these things were enormous and needed an ample lap to live up to their namesake, but that is another story. For me, the school board appointed computer nerd, owning a laptop was a privilege. Quickly I deduced that my laptop was available for me at both school and at home, and it was so valuable that on the days I took it home my mother would drive the 1.5km from our home to the rural bus stop to pick me up from the bus after school. My homework increased exponentially as did my muscle mass as my body adjusted to carry my computer around. (A quick aside here, laptops with 18 inch screens are not new developments, when they first came out they all had 18 inch screens!)

By the time I graduated from high school and entered college I had evolved through at least four different computer versions. And then in college computers and my knowledge and use of them exploded.

Due to Providence's twisted sense of humor one of my good and lifelong friends is Mark the Mac Evangelist. Mark the Mac Evangelist was a true fundamentalist. In his opinion there was only one sort of computer that God sanctioned to be amidst the perfection of His creation and naturally it was an Apple. For two solid years I listened intently to the sermonizing of Mark the Mac Evangelist and came with my feeble sceptic rebuttals, only to have them crushed by his superior postulating, oratory skill, simplistic demonstrations and charismatic good looks. Besides, he could play Risk on his computer and I could not. Eventually I had no more arguments, no more doubts and in a flood of tears came down to the altar. I plugged my self into the brass plated receptacle, just beneath the teak oiled alter, and I publicly converted to Macintosh.

My first born again experience was with a PowerBook 100, Macintosh's very first laptop. It was different than any other computer I had ever seen. It weighed only 5lbs, and it had a really cool trackball right in the middle of it. I was in love with its 9 inch monochrome passive-matrix screen, with pixels so large I could measure them with a ruler. I was impressed with its 80mb hard drive, its 16mhz processor and an unbelievable 4mb of RAM.

I paid $800 for the privilege of being a Mac owner and I bought it gently used from Mark the Mac Evangelist's best friend Jason the Computer Salesman. Jason the Computer Salesman sent it to me after his wonderful experience with it. I was thrilled when it finally arrived complete with Mac OS 4.0, a green Targus backpack and the infamous external hard drive.

I was curious to see that Jason the Computer Salesman had included a note with my purchase. It read "Mike, enjoy your Mac experience. Please note that there is a program on this computer called QuickSilver... do NOT, under any circumstances remove this program.

I charged up my 3 pound battery and brought the entire thing to Mark the Mac Evangelist for his adulation and affirmation. As he saw it a tear trickling down his face, a heavenly choir broke out in song, and a flock of doves ruptured into the sky just outside my dorm window.

"Mike, let's beef this baby up and see what she can do," he said in a whisper.

I said "Sure, oh, here is a note from Jason."

He read the note, put it aside and turned on my PowerBook.

20 minutes later he said to me, "This Quicksilver program has got to go, lets get rid of it. Jason doesn't know what he is talking about."

One month later I received my replacement hard drive, and we installed a fresh copy of Apple OS 4.0 on it and I began my journey into the world of Macintosh.

It provided to be an interesting experience. According to MacLore, there is a mythical spirit that inhabits Macintosh computers. It is referred to as The SadMac. Most deny its existence, dismissing it as a wives' tale, or folklore. But according to those who have experienced this evil spirit it displays its face, like a cybernetic grim reaper just at the moment a Macintosh computer is about to die. It is real, it is evil, it is sad. Yes, I know, all good Macintoshes live forever, go straight to heaven and are above reproach. Therefore, such a thing could not possibly be real.

Call me a freak, a conspiracy theorist, or just an attention seeking PC lover but I have seen the fabled SadMac. In fact, in college during my days with my PowerBook 100 I saw the presence of the SadMac so many times I eventually threw out my alarm clock, perched my laptop on my nightstand and woke to the early morning clang of the SadMac appearing on my screen. Why once the legendary SadMac appeared to an entire classroom when, in midst of Pulitzer winning lecture my fellow students were interrupted by the clanging screech of my Mac in death throes and there for all to see, on my monochromatic screen was the evil face of SadMac.

Hours and hours were spent fixing my beloved computer. While all of my cool friends courted women with wine and song I slaved away like only a patient lover could to fix and correct and work around every error my little Mac threw my way. I was in love and I could do no less.

As they say, all good things must come to an end. I eventually graduated, and momentarily courted the idea of carrying my green Targus laptop bag across the convocation stage to receive my diploma. No other laptop had worked as hard as mine to see a student succeed. It was clear to me that my girl, named Miriam, should bask in my academic glory. Instead I opted for something more practical and simply didn't wear pants under my graduation gown.

Alas, my Miriam Mac eventually was put away into storage. I moved on, and technology moved on as well. She aged, I didn't and my youthful curiosity eventually got the better of me. I cheated. Oh, sure, I could justify it, saying that technology got the best of me, Windows won the OS war, etc., but the reality was, after my tumultuous relationship with Miriam the Mac I was itching to click my finger on the mouse of another kind. Early in my 20's I switched to Windows.

Instantly all of my computer troubles disappeared, my computer ran flawlessly, never again did I see an Operating Systems screen of death, and my new computer even made coffee. I was redeemed. So much so that I went out and had the initials "BG" tattooed on the body part I use the most while on a computer, and when asked about it I tell people that I am over the moon for Billy Graham, but really, it stands for another name, my hero, The King of the Nerds.

And then I went to bed, and woke up the next day to reality, and my tattoo really demonstrated what it really was... just a pain in the ass.

Blue Screens of death, rampant computer viruses, driver failures, Window's Millennium Edition, hardware and software failures... I have seen them all. Like my college days I have spent countless weekends nursing my computers back to health, fixing errors, recovering data... sacrificing a social life, a recreation life, all in the insane desire to have a flawless computer system. I should quit, become Amish and throw my PDA, GPS, Cell phone, and computer, heck even my digital watch into the Grand Canyon but I cannot.

This past spring I bought a small laptop that runs Linux. It runs almost flawlessly, which is a relief, but even in spite of a fairly simplistic user friendly environment, its a lot of learning and with three children under four, there just isn't as much time to tinker and play as there used to be.

This past fall I challenged myself. Fresh out of the surgery room from a rather uncomfortable male rite of passage I build from scratch my own personally designed super computer. Never, never try to build a computer while in agonizing pain, hopped up on Tylenol 3 while in a state where it is impossible to sit or stand or lift heavy object. Its just nuts.

I guess it was sometime after I built my super computer I stared to wonder about Macs again. Like the fragrant memories of an old lover she began her siren call to the recesses of my mind. I just had to know, is it as good as they say? Is it true that once you try a Mac you never go back? Perhaps I dreamed the routine appearances of the phantom SadMac. Maybe I should give it a chance.

A few months ago my wife (the owner and operator and maintainer of this wonderful blog) began a work from home business with an earning potential that could be unbelievable. A few months ago, someone or someones in my family (not mentioning any names but their first initial is likely to start with an "R") finally finished off our Toshiba Windows XP laptop. My wife could not run her business without a computer and she isn't thrilled with my Linux monkey and I am rather possessive about my Super Computer.

Well, the only good thing about a company downsizing in a recession is that suddenly there is a plethora of used computers, BlackBerrys, laptops, monitors, etc lying around, depreciating in value and collecting dust. Lucky for us our former CEO used a Mac, resigned to pursue other options, and our wise IT department happened to have a gently used backup in case his computer ever went down. Even luckier for me, I am the person responsible for coordinating the disposal of these machines.

The other day I brought my baby home a new edition to our family. I have entered MacWorld once again. It is a MacBook Pro. It has nothing my PowerBook 100 has and I paid $750.00 for it.

Having twins was nothing compared to this odyssey, but I am ready. I introduce you to our latest edition... MelaMac, may she never see the screen of death.

I think I have found a healthy balance between efficiency and convenience...