Spiritual ramblings...

I don't exactly know what I want to say, but I know I want to say something and share with you all where I am at and what I have been experiencing.
In the last year my spiritual walk has been interesting to say the least. I have always had a very strong faith in God and the fact that He knows what is going on and is in control of that - though sometimes I act like I think that control is mine! :) My spiritual life in the past few years has been lacking in regards to the amount of time I spend with Him.
I have found that through the past 9 months of DH looking for a different job and career at that, that I been on a roller coaster of a journey with God. I go from one day of totally trusting Him and knowing that though we may be going through the pain of wondering what is going on, the end result will be worth it, to another day of not really wanting to have anything to do with any sort of faith because it doesn't get you anywhere any way.
I feel as though my faith has been stretched to its max at times, because not only am I hanging on by a thread, I feel like DH is "piggybacking" my trust in God and is hanging onto my feet while I hang onto that thread.
But then there is all the good things... R, friends that I have made in the year, old friends, family. And I am so thankful for these. And I get encouragement from these people. And their experiences. And I thank God. And I want more of Him. And more of what He has to offer.
In church we have been in a series that they called An Emergent Christian. It has been good. The pastors have been talking through what faith is, how the Bible relates to that, what a Christian looks like. The thing that I like about Friends Church, where we have been attending since July, is that they are real. The bottom line that I have gotten out of the past couple of weeks at church is that a relationship with God is not about not doing things (sin management model - if you don't drink, smoke, swear, etc. you are a Christian) or the least I have to do in order to not go to hell. Actually on Sunday Kelly was talking about a relationship with God, what that should look like. (You can listen to it here if you want; under Sunday messages, Emerging Christian, Christianity) What I walked away with is the fact that the Hebrew people (Jewish people) used the word Shalom in regards to their relationship with God. The word, Shalom, means "peace", but more specifically "to be in harmony with." Kind of like the harmony that a violin has when all it's strings are in tune, there is peace in the music that it makes. So, we are to be in harmony with God, to be listening to Him and know Him, and bring His peace and harmony to the world around us. Our walk with God, journey as I see it, is to be about how we live right now on this earth, doing all we can to share His kingdom on earth.
I feel like repeating it, just so that I get it more... (repetition does make it mine :) My relationship with God is to be one that I am in harmony with God, and I must know Him intimately to do that. It is also to bring harmony to the world around me and I must be walking with God in order to know how God would have me do that.
There is freedom in this for me. I have grown up, by no fault of anyone, believing that I needed to feel guilt about what I did or didn't do, because that is how someone spiritual would be. It is about a relationship. That is the bottom line. So I spend time with God, and listen to Him, and trust yet again.